An amusing Arsenal fan’s analysis of Tottenham’s form ahead of the North London Derby

Sheff Utd 3 – 0 Spurs – Scouting of the Spuds ahead of the North London derby

Spurs were humbled today by a disciplined, well-organised Sheff Utd side ravaged by injuries. In the interest of keeping an eye on the enemy before the impending battle, here is how Spurs players fared on a dreary evening.

Loris – 6 – The keeper was fairly solid throughout and could do nothing about the donkeys offering him wafer thin, soggy biscuit protection ahead of him.

Aurier – 5 – Got himself into some good positions but his crossing was woeful. Was overwhelmed by Sheff Utd’s overloading flanks.

Sanchez – 3 – So fun to watch. Never have I had so much pleasure prescribing such a low mark. Positioning non-existent, attention span of a 3-year-old in a sweet shop, sloppy on the ball. He’s all brawn and no brain.

Dier – 4 – Made a few good challenges, but was to blame for at least one of the goals and looked lost alongside Johnny Bravo.

Davies – 4 – Don’t remember seeing him except on his arse watching the ball roll into his own net. I think he passed it well once. Maybe.

Lo Celso – 5 – After all the praise lavished on him by Maureen, he looks like the deep-lying version of Spurs’ very own Ozil (minus the small-country-GDP salary). His role, sitting just ahead of Sissoko, seemed to be lying deep and dictating play. He recycled possession relatively well and had a few nice touches, but when Spurs were pressed as quickly as they were, he’s little more than a mis-fitting luxury player, defending like a boiled cabbage and overcrowding the midfield in attack. Hope he plays against us.

Sissoko – 6 – To my mind, he was one of Spurs’ better players. Neat on the ball and offers a good shield. He was dragged all over the place by Sheff Utd’s tactics that Maureen apparently hadn’t heard about. A stronger but slightly shi**er Torreira.

Berwijn (or something like that – can’t be bothered to check) – 6 – I thought he was good and was surprised he was taken off. He may have coughed in the direction of a fuming Maureen and suffered the consequences. Good feet if not a tad slow, offered a threat with some tidy one-twos around the box but penetrating the Sheffield wall proved too tall an order.

Lucas Moura – 6.5 – Weird half rating but he was so close to a 7. Spurs’ best player and spear-headed their period of dominance. Quick, close control proved a real thorn in Sheffield United’s side. He misses out on a 7 because; a) he lost the ball one too many times and; b) he was moved back to RB because reasons or something and we never heard from him again. RIP.

Son – 5 – Didn’t see him much. He may have stayed behind during the water break. You can’t just sit around in a nest of well-organised defenders. Assisted Kane late on with a neat first-time pass.

Kane – 6 – Battled well and was just surrounded all the time. Proved that he’s a lethal finisher scoring three times (cheers to VAR for chalking two off) but doesn’t offer much more than that. Efficient but a little boring. However, always a threat in need of careful supervision.

SUBS

Who cares. Lamela came on and was pretty rubbish. Ndombele has the grace of a fridge, and Vertonghen may as well have stayed on the bench.

Overall, Spurs had a period of dominance between the first two goals but couldn’t find a way through the gridlock. They lacked imagination, relying on individual runs rather than quick balls. Full credit to Sheffield for doing what they do best. They defended with so much heart and never stopped running. All their dangerous attacks were pretty much the same. Perhaps a credit to Arteta that we barely noticed that in the quarterfinals. Defensively, Spurs are bereft of confidence and quality. If this is the team that turn up on against Arsenal, it should make for an excellent evening for Gooners.

Sean M