An Arsenal fan’s cheeky review of Tottenham’s “All or Nothing” documentary

Alternative Review Of All Or Nothing by Dan Smith

I used to work with a Spurs fan and would ask him that when they banter what’s their material? Like us Arsenal fans can point to winning the title at the Lane, Sol Campbell jumping ship, or us winning trophies during their ‘golden period’.

What do they say when they want to ridicule us?

While we talk about watching the likes of Henry, Pires, Adams, Viera, etc, who do they list as legends? Darren Bent?

That’s not me being condescending, I was genuinely interested to know how their minds work.

So this week, as I was laying on the settee feeling unwell, I saw an opportunity to take part in a social experiment, watch the first three episodes of their Amazon series to try and see how their mindset works (from a biased perspective of course).

The makers of ‘All Or Nothing’ had given Man City 10 million to have unlimited access to the club so clearly didn’t have a lot of money left over, hence they could only afford to follow Tottenham around for a season.

The producers were clearly hoping that Pochettino could carry on the momentum from getting to the Champions League Final. Instead they have to try and create a drama based on finishing 6th in the table, while changing managers halfway through the campaign.

Tom Hardy introduces us with the exaggeration of Spurs having a glorious past (they were last champions in the 60’s) yet there has been a revolution recently? I think he’s referring to their new stadium. West Ham though play in front of 60 000 people. You wouldn’t say they are part of any revolution, would you?
Daniel Levy kicks things off by saying the perception of him is not a true one – that being that he’s a tough negotiator who only cares about business off the pitch and not on it.

Apparently, everyone fails to see the irony that he says that and the very next scene he’s talking about how the ground has two pitches to host the NFL. When the team are really struggling, what’s the Chairmen doing as he potters about? He’s boasting how many NFL stadium tours he’s got booked

Given that some supporters viewed Pochettino as their greatest manager of the Premiership era, credited him from changing the power balance in North London, and say he was so close to winning the Prem, it’s incredible that he’s not given more respect in this project.

In reality of course we know that in fact he finished 3rd in a 2 horse race, and logic suggests how can there be a change in power if in your glorious period you win …0 and in a poor period by our standards we still ended up with 3 FA Cups?

Yet there’s no denying that he was the first man in my lifetime who ever made the Derby a tough fixture (at least away). So, the man deserved at least an interview, especially given that his employer claims to be good friends with him.

Okay legally there might be a period where the Argentine has to stay silent but surely, he warranted being allowed to contribute something, even if it was to explain how he felt leaving.

Humour aside, Spurs do their bit to help the community. Although the young kids look slightly disappointing when it Aurier who shows up at their school and not anyone else. That’s like finding 10 pound on the floor and then losing 20.

Enter Jose Mourinho and the first thing he does is unpack a box of his personal items to make his office look nice. I didn’t see a picture of his family, I did see…… lots of photos, magazines, books …… about himself! I’m not joking!

Meanwhile in the canteen players start to turn their heads to the massive television which seems to be playing highlights of the ‘Special one’s career’.

It could have been a coincidence, maybe Sky Sports at the time playing a montage?

I like my theory though, a man so self-involved the first thing he does is have a video all about himself being played even before he’s bothered to introduce himself.

At the tables while eating breakfast Harry Kane is pretending to have a discreet chat, insisting that he had texted Poch the previous evening and his ex-gaffer loves him, wishes everyone well and knows deep down that the rumours the players had stopped playing for him were rubbish.

I say pretending because the captain must have seen a camera right in his face. What an ideal time for the striker to be being filmed just as he happens to be saying that. I was just waiting to hear the director shout ….’ And cut, thanks Harry, that’s what we wanted, great acting’.

The squad meet the new regime who essentially confirm that Spurs is maybe the smallest club they ever worked for.

Training is spent with Jose having to ask who’s called who. He knows who Harry Kane is and seeming Harry Winks based on him being the ‘other Harry’. Do you think at Chelsea, Real Madrid or Man United he had to name check?

Deli Ali gets nicknamed ‘lazy’ for just standing still in training. Anyone else notices that Jose always has a couple of players he picks on?

At Stamford Bridge it was always Shaun Wright Phillips and Joe Cole, at Old Trafford he bullied Luke Shaw. Here it’s Ali.

It’s okay though, Spur’s fans, as their new manager only needed a couple of days to work out why they never win anything. The question they wanted the answer to for years. The reason they were paying this boss more than any other in their history to come up with the answer?

Which is ………… they are too nice! He felt that as their opposition and now he sensed it working with them. When Jose was trying to convince himself that was the only problem, I almost felt sorry for him. No, it’s not they are too nice … they just are not good at Football!

In segments that seemed staged, Jose invites some senior talents in for 1-1 chats. Do you remember years ago when James Corden did a sketch with the national team about raising the ‘profile’ of players well that’s what Jose says to Harry Kane? The only difference being that Smithy is a character on a comedy who was raising money for Comic Relief. Jose on the other hand was being very serious in his first meeting with his skipper.

Kane, who you wrongly assume is humble and level headed, actually says his ambition is to be better than Messi or Ronaldo. Everyone in the room at that point including Jose apologized to Kane and asked for a few seconds while they left the room. All Kane could hear was laughing on the outside of the door.
Dier may have been one of the happier people to see a managerial change, explaining he didn’t know why he had been frozen out. He tries to woo his new boss by speaking in Portuguese. it doesn’t work, he’s subbed in the next game inside 35 minutes.

It’s quite like Deli Ali, who was told how special he was before he ever achieved anything. He believed in his own hype and has flopped ever since. The first time I ever liked Jose was him wiping that smug smile off Ali’s face, essentially telling him in a polite way he’s wasting his career.

The saddest part of the first three episodes was when Mourinho named his first team sheet, warning everyone not to feel not wanted if you were on the bench, because if you’re not wanted you will already know about it. Everyone turns to look at Danny Rose who bows his head. He would be loaned out two months later.

Eriksen seems a real student of the game. He offers an insight into how to tell a club you want to leave but sill conduct yourself with professionalism. So, it was like the Dane decided that even though he be joing Inter, while he was there it was worthwhile asking a few questions to learn from. When he asks ‘Lampard, good guy?’

Jose sees his chance, stressing what a pro Frank was because of his commitment and how they worked so well together. Eriksen nodded his head….and left in January.

If you want to watch for a laugh, Part 4 is on Monday.

I won’t give any spoilers but…….. there is no happy ending (well not if you are a Spurs fan anyway).

Be nice in the comments

Dan Smith

17 Comments

  1. zTOM says:

    “Spurs: All or Nothing”

    **SPOILERS**

    It’s nothing. It’s always nothing. 🤣🤣🤣

    1. Anthony McCabe says:

      👍🤣🤣🤣🤣

  2. Ian Chapman says:

    I am a spurs fan, however the only thing I can disagree with here is that West ham play in front of 60k.. Other than that.. Absolutely spot on.. We are and continue to be a laughing stock. As much as it hurts we can not compare ourselves to Arsenal or Chelsea. Our stadium.. Is state of the art.. True, I am sure our Europe league opponents will love playing there.

    1. zTOM says:

      The one thing I’m super jealous of is that super fast “filling from the bottom of the pint” system you have in your stadium, that looks it’s coming from the future! 🍺🍺🍺
      The time you must be saving when queuing for a pint compared to us! 😬

    2. Khadii says:

      What do you think Westham’s Olympic Stadium capacity is?
      Well, i’ll have you know its above 60k

      1. Declan says:

        Their stadium has 60,000 seats and has never sold out. Their highest attendance was just under that figure and lowest 58,000+.

        1. Khadii says:

          In that case, not far from my point… 58k+ is still a very large crowd.. Closer to 60k than far from it.

          By the way, The number of seats is 66k. But they use d 60k capacity because of the lease agreement.

  3. Sue says:

    Oh Dan, you’re better than me!! I certainly won’t be tuning in, have better things to do like watching paint dry haha!! And I’m surprised you weren’t ill after watching it 😄 I watched City’s All or Nothing, which I liked, so why spoil it with this lot?!!
    And fancy getting Tom Hardy to narrate it!! Hoping the viewing figures will go up 😄

    1. Kstix says:

      😂😂😂 👍

  4. Gaz the Gooner says:

    I like most Arsenal fans certainly wouldn’t give such a programme my time lol.
    Having read your dialogue shows me we’ve missed nothing oops 😬

    I’m 56 years young and still sleep well knowing that the so called North London is Red is still firmly in place

    That’s All bring on 20/21
    Quite excited Arteta the man

  5. ozziegunner says:

    Throughout my life I have always tried to get joy from my achievements, (or sometimes lack of them) and those of my family and friends, rather than the misfortunes of others.
    Very few clubs can match the overall success of Arsenal. Spurs did win the First Division Title/FA Cup Double in 1960/61, 10 years before Arsenal. That side played great football with excellent players like Danny Blanchflower, Bobby Smith, Les Allen and Cliff Jones.

  6. big stu says:

    what a sad article.
    See the documentary for what it is , entertainment and an inside to a famous club.
    Arsenal supporters should be just happy with their sides terrific improvement under new manager but that’s not enough!!!! Us spurs fans just laugh at stupid comments that keep coming from down the road!!!

    1. Siamois says:

      you could at least thank us,you now have something to laugh /smile about besides signing Hart!

  7. Ingleby says:

    Haven’t bothered to watch it but note that they got the title half right!

  8. jon fox says:

    Spuds eh? I tend not to watch them. I just wait while they are being roasted, mashed or fried before eating them. Other than that Spuds bore me silly and I NEVER DELIBERATELY READ ABOUT THEM. Perhaps being a fan of a PROPER football club is the reason, eh! Anyway, there is precious little goodness in Spuds, even though they truly are VEGETABLES.
    My most enjoyable memory of ever watching Spuds was in 1962 when Benfica beat them 3-2 on aggregate in the then European Cup Semi finals at SHL, when at the final whistle I made more noise than the whole of the Spuds fans all put together. As I say, roasted , mashed or fried is how I prefer them. ALWAYS!

    1. Sid says:

      I do remember you commenting on another article, Mr.Fox, saying how you made up rude songs or something like that for the spurs when you went to watch them as a kid. That was a very funny story!

    2. ozziegunner says:

      jon, I thought you would be more in tune with my comment.

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