Arsene’s Secret Diary after Arsenal loss to Southampton!

Southampton 2-0 Arsene-al: Class in defeat by JB

If there is one thing I value as Arsenal manager, it is that when we lose, we don’t see it as a negative. Whilst many managers would get angry at their players or themselves in such a moment, perhaps questioning what they could do to remedy the situation, I see it as all a part of the fun of the game. Winning wouldn’t feel as good as it does if you didn’t know how losing felt, am I right? By having this attitude, our players, having exerted themselves for at least 17 minutes of the match, can walk off the pitch with their heads held high and smiles on their faces, not because they were good, or even because they gave it their best shot, but because they are getting an exorbitant amount of money to do very little, and they are having fun doing it. It might not be enjoyable watching Arsenal at times like these, but it’s certainly fun to get £80,000 a week to do jack s**t.

Some people may ask why, when we were without a single recognised striker available, I didn’t start the best finisher in the Arsenal side whose name is not worthy of being spoken by my anointed lips, but which rhymes with Mobolski. I am offended by the question itself, as if the common peasants who watch this team have the right to question me, the Lord of Emirates and Grand Potentate of Hornsey Road. Anyway, he couldn’t play because before the game I stabbed him in the nostril with a sharpened pencil, and he had to go to A&E to have it surgically removed. So there.

There are questions over the defensive capabilities of the team, and in particular the seeming lack of communication between the back four and the keeper. I want to assure the fans that we are working on the issue, and are trying to help the designated leader of the defence, Per Mertesacker, work on communicating with those around him.

Unfortunately the problem is in large part down to the fact that Per is in fact part Ent. Yes, Ent, the mythical tree-like creature from the second Lord of the Rings novel. Whilst his parents are both of German descent, his grandmother on his father’s side was in fact an Ent from Fangorn forest, Middle Earth. And much to our chagrin, the primary trait which he has inherited from her is the Entish incapacity to speak quickly. As we all must understand, young Hobbit, it takes a long time to say anything in Old Entish, and they never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say.

This is rarely a positive characteristic for a Premier League footballer. Leaving him as the communicative head for the defence of a team challenging for Champions League football has its drawbacks, as we saw today. So why not use some other player, I hear you cry! Well, the fact of the matter is that the rest of the defence are deaf-mute. You have probably wondered why you have never heard Koscielny, Gibbs, Debuchy or Sczczczczczczny give an interview – that is why. They communicate with the rest of the team primarily through text, and we are working in conjunction with the FA to allow functionally-hindered players to bring their iPhones onto the pitch next season. But until then, we’re stuck with things as they are. And so Per, whilst talking slowly, is the only one capable of actually speaking in the first-team squad. But by the time he has managed to say the word, “LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnntttttttttt” the opposition has normally scored at least twice, such as today.

Steve Bould keeps asking if he can take on coaching the defensive aspects of our game, but can you really trust someone who’s bald? A skinhead like him may well turn our side into a team of neo-Nazis and abscond with the golden taps in the home changing room to help fund the return of the third Reich. I’d rather not take my chances, thank you very much.

Aside from that, I found my pockets successfully, so a good day all round.

Arsene’s ratings:

Arsenal – 7/10 – had so much fun playing today, what more can you ask for?

Southampton – 7/10 – also looked like they were having fun, well done to them.

Arsene Wenger – 9/10 – no pocket issues, recognised the weakness in our defence and am moonlighting as Per’s speech therapist to correct the issue instead of just buying a good, totally human centre-back

Fans – 0/10 – Pr**ks

VIDEO – Szczesny’s errors and Wenger’s reaction!

This is a Guest Post from James at WengersDiary

Tags Bould Koscielny Wengersdiary


  1. ALL OUT!!!!!

    Massive MAJOR overhaul is required…

    From the board to the manager, players and FANS!!!

  2. Laziness, carelessness and complacency and spread like cancer in a team.Even if Wenger goes there are certain players at AFC that must also be shown the doorway.Some AFc players are just plain lazy

  3. Szczesny is not in the same class as keepers like Courtois,De Gea and Lloris a solid defence starts with having a goalkeeper who can instill confidence in his defenders

    1. This is how it works. There’s no positives after such an embarrassing display. What do you expect them to say? We were unlucky? If the years starts like that then is serious talk time in the offices at the Emirates. I am one of the people supporting the idea that the board/management is the sole responsible for the results (well, board for finance and management for results) and supporters job is to support the team no matter what.
      The thing is that yesterday I HAD NOTHING TO SUPPORT. Name one player (bar Coquelin who put the head into their boots) deserving a small positive. One!
      Wenger looked so dissapointed that it wasn’t even funny to watch. Trouble with him is that he will only say that to them : disappointing my kids, very disappointing and then put them in the same squad. For the first time I have watched the game clock to mark the 75th minute to see who is going to be replaced. I became like that dog in Pavlov’s experiments. As soon as I see numbers 7 and 5 put together in this order I think “substitution”.
      Can’t bear it anymore like this. It is the second display like this in weeks (third with the one at Liverpool). I fu cking hate Mertesacker. There, I said it!

  4. I have a dream:

    It’s of a manager who at the start of the new season has ensured that a squad of suffecient quality and depth has been put in place by scouting players in positions where the team has been found to be lacking in the previous season.

    Equally specialist and dedicated coaching staff who are allowed to contribute for the better functioning of the team are in place working on areas like defense, midfield and attack. After all one man can’t dictate everything, surely?

    With this in place the tactically aware manager would select from his large and talented pool of players to fit within a system of play dependent on the opposition where players are utilised in their natural positions. This makes sense doesn’t it?

    If said plan does not seem to work during a game then the astute manager would (before it’s too late) implement a plan B so to attempt to avoid defeat.

    If players continue to under perform, make stupid mistakes, not reach their potential, lack spirit or be perpetually injured then the manager will not continue to select them but will in fact release them. Sounds logical right?

    Still, back in the real world (or should I say twighlight zone) this is, and has been for too long a time not been the case at AFC (Arsene’s Failing Club)..

    The Board seem ok with the status quo as of course is our outdated and past his best manager (thank you but it’s time to part company). Are we the fans satisfied considering we are the fifth richest club in the WORLD?

  5. it is no longer SECRET, the whole world knows our story…… And it’s boldly Written for every eyes to see

  6. Wenger has lost his mind. He needed a defender but didn’t buy one. This is all a result of that.

    He made a judgement call that has basically ruined the whole season. The lack of defence has impacted how the whole team plays.

  7. We were lucky to hold on by the skin of our teeth against QPR after sending off
    West ham could have been a totaly different story but overall a great game scheza commanding his penalty area.He owned it.
    Southampton game totaly abysmal shameful and a total embaresment .
    Please what is happening to this once great team.If things don’t improve quickly I can see a mass exodus at the end of the season.

  8. To be honest a lot of us where happy when we saw that line up and to be fair that team could beat any team if atleast we turned up.
    For some reason chambers forgot how to play football, always passing backward no ball control. And how many seasons now has it been for chamberlain. Overrated english boy. And sczcesny is a joke of a goal keeper. I have seen many times man u and totenham defence have been a joke but de gea and lloris will keep them in the game but sczneny even though we are playing well he will still find a way to screw us up. Why is wenger treating some players fairly and some badly? Had it been ospina,rosicky,podolski,campbell,playing badly he would have droped them since. The only positive was coquelin and am worried about sanchez he is worn out. And thanks to giroud for his red card idiot. We had no one yesterday even sanogo would have done better than sanchez did there and as for walcot well I will excuse him. Mertesacker I think it is time for him to quit football and look for something else. Even my little neice who is 8 says he runs like her old school teacher. What a joke of a player. All in all I like to see this team against hull.
    Bellerin chambers koscielny gibbs
    Coquelin rosicky
    Chamberlain carsola podolski

  9. This isn’t the standard of “article” Justarsenal should be putting out. I want to read critical/analytical articles, the odd opinion piece that can spark debate. But the inane ramblings of someone who has too much time on their hands? No thanks. This is just embarrassing.

  10. AKB’s will say we can find quality in jan. But d manager fail to address d problems in d summer, chelsea bought matic in jan, its only wenger dat dnt see quality in jan. Wenger is so clueless and incompetent remember we were. Chasing top strikers like higuain and suarez? So what happen? We need a Dmf and a Cb but d manager can’t see dat. Usmanov said it all dat wenger dnt learn from his mistakes. And will neva learn. So why are arsenal fans still supporting him? Why are dey afraid of change? Dey keep making excuses 4 him when dey knw d obvious Truth but lie to demselves. Arsenal are playing far below their potential cuz of our incompetent manager. Wenger said “judge me at d end of d season” and if he fail to win a trophy and qualify 4 ucl he should resign.. Wenger Out 4 Gud

    1. do not worry mate, our lord and saviour Arsene Wenger will buy/loan 5 players in January!
      buy 3 strikers age 16 – 18 years old with 100k wage
      loan 1 dm age 38 – 40 years old
      loan 1 backup cb from mediocore team age 28-30 years old
      and then offer 5 years contract for Diaby

      Oh my god, I think we will be the best team in the world!

  11. Per is just too slow- everybody in the world knows it – and must be replaced.

    Chambers could well be a good DM in the future, although he did have a un-impressive start. For me – he is more than good enough to replace Per at CD at least until we buy a great alternative.

    Walcott – was invisible, obviously forgiven as first game back, but why not played wide I don’t know.

    And how Akpom was selected infront of Podolski – thats a shocker. Was Wenger putting out a buy Podolski announcement with that move? – Only reason I can find

    1. Podolski was injured. is an awesome resource. All you have to do it put that into your search bar and another website with a search bar comes up. From there just type “Why did Lukas Podolski not play against Southampton” and holy shit! I was amazed too the first time I saw it 15 years ago. Any answer you need is right there!

  12. I am embarrassed for the person who thought this article would be humerous. Please do not write anything anymore. Find another hobby. That was terrible

  13. guys every 1 knws its a difficult tym fr us . . so plz try to keep ur expectations low. don’t want to look stupid lyk new castle fans .eventually we would get it right

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