Arsene’s Secret Diary after Arsenal loss to Southampton!

Southampton 2-0 Arsene-al: Class in defeat by JB

If there is one thing I value as Arsenal manager, it is that when we lose, we don’t see it as a negative. Whilst many managers would get angry at their players or themselves in such a moment, perhaps questioning what they could do to remedy the situation, I see it as all a part of the fun of the game. Winning wouldn’t feel as good as it does if you didn’t know how losing felt, am I right? By having this attitude, our players, having exerted themselves for at least 17 minutes of the match, can walk off the pitch with their heads held high and smiles on their faces, not because they were good, or even because they gave it their best shot, but because they are getting an exorbitant amount of money to do very little, and they are having fun doing it. It might not be enjoyable watching Arsenal at times like these, but it’s certainly fun to get £80,000 a week to do jack s**t.

Some people may ask why, when we were without a single recognised striker available, I didn’t start the best finisher in the Arsenal side whose name is not worthy of being spoken by my anointed lips, but which rhymes with Mobolski. I am offended by the question itself, as if the common peasants who watch this team have the right to question me, the Lord of Emirates and Grand Potentate of Hornsey Road. Anyway, he couldn’t play because before the game I stabbed him in the nostril with a sharpened pencil, and he had to go to A&E to have it surgically removed. So there.

There are questions over the defensive capabilities of the team, and in particular the seeming lack of communication between the back four and the keeper. I want to assure the fans that we are working on the issue, and are trying to help the designated leader of the defence, Per Mertesacker, work on communicating with those around him.

Unfortunately the problem is in large part down to the fact that Per is in fact part Ent. Yes, Ent, the mythical tree-like creature from the second Lord of the Rings novel. Whilst his parents are both of German descent, his grandmother on his father’s side was in fact an Ent from Fangorn forest, Middle Earth. And much to our chagrin, the primary trait which he has inherited from her is the Entish incapacity to speak quickly. As we all must understand, young Hobbit, it takes a long time to say anything in Old Entish, and they never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say.

This is rarely a positive characteristic for a Premier League footballer. Leaving him as the communicative head for the defence of a team challenging for Champions League football has its drawbacks, as we saw today. So why not use some other player, I hear you cry! Well, the fact of the matter is that the rest of the defence are deaf-mute. You have probably wondered why you have never heard Koscielny, Gibbs, Debuchy or Sczczczczczczny give an interview – that is why. They communicate with the rest of the team primarily through text, and we are working in conjunction with the FA to allow functionally-hindered players to bring their iPhones onto the pitch next season. But until then, we’re stuck with things as they are. And so Per, whilst talking slowly, is the only one capable of actually speaking in the first-team squad. But by the time he has managed to say the word, “LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnntttttttttt” the opposition has normally scored at least twice, such as today.

Steve Bould keeps asking if he can take on coaching the defensive aspects of our game, but can you really trust someone who’s bald? A skinhead like him may well turn our side into a team of neo-Nazis and abscond with the golden taps in the home changing room to help fund the return of the third Reich. I’d rather not take my chances, thank you very much.

Aside from that, I found my pockets successfully, so a good day all round.

Arsene’s ratings:

Arsenal – 7/10 – had so much fun playing today, what more can you ask for?

Southampton – 7/10 – also looked like they were having fun, well done to them.

Arsene Wenger – 9/10 – no pocket issues, recognised the weakness in our defence and am moonlighting as Per’s speech therapist to correct the issue instead of just buying a good, totally human centre-back

Fans – 0/10 – Pr**ks

VIDEO – Szczesny’s errors and Wenger’s reaction!

This is a Guest Post from James at WengersDiary